Activision - 2000

If anyone ever tells you that the GREAT LAND OF JAPAN always puts quality and effort into their games, and they’ll never stoop as low as their GAIJIN American counterparts to make some tie-in for easy yen, punch them in the dick, and show them ORPHEN: SCION OF SORCERY. When I first got my PS2 on the Christmas of 2000, I got DEAD OR ALIVE 2 and this, because my dad told me it was a "role-playing game, which you like, right?"

This game is based off an anime series called SORCEROUS STABBER ORPHEN, which is about an 80's-style bad boy sorcerer (complete with leather jacket and bandana) named Orphen, his dumbass boy apprentice (whom Orphen trains in the art of sorcery to pay his rent), Magus, and some teenage bitch named Cleo who yells a lot at Orphen, (even though she clearly wants to jump his bones, in that "he’s-so-mysterious" way). This may sound like every other anime in existence, and it probably is, but at least the anime itself is pretty interesting. Wish I could say the same about the game.

The videogame has the aforementioned characters, along with three other anime character cliches, on a boat, headed to some city. Soon they learn that THEY GOT ON THE WRONG BOAT (Which, according to the Official website’s Flash intro, in a key plot element), and they land on Chaos Island. With a name like "Chaos Island", I’m sure you can figure out what happens next.

If Activision’s horrid boxart (which looks like it was drawn by a 6^th grade Dragon Ball Z fag in art class) doesn’t keep you away from this game, the terribly convoluted battle system will. In battle, Orphen will stand in the middle, like any other type of RPG battle system, you and the enemies health are represented by crystals on the screen, but these crystals are too vague and confusing to let you know how much energy you or the enemy really has has left, since it will go from 3 crystals, to 5,to 2, and so on. But that doesn’t really matter, since this makes Orphen virtually indestructible.

You can use 3 different attacks (there’s more, but they are all the same except one looks like fire, and one looks like lightning) by pressing either of the buttons.You can charge the attack to perform a much stronger attack by holding down the buttons, but since being attacked once will reset the charging, and you’ll always be attacked, it’s completely pointless. The bosses, as big as they are, are also so laughable easy, you can just the same button the whole time and still win, with plenty of health left.