Alucard: The Dark, Morose Carebear
Ah, Alucard… If you’ve played CastleVania, you know who he is, as essentially the face of the new, RPG-esque series. Everyone knows about Symphony’s Alucard; Yaoi Doujinshi star by day, Oedipus Rex by night, and half-vampire somewhere around brunch. But what about the mutt behind the overpowered character stats? We’re going to take a field-trip… INTO THE PAST!
Once upon a time, there was a little sprite. Not the little elfy, childish kind, but the kind that dwelled in the magical land of NES Cartridges. This particular little sprite used to do mean things with his father, to make a bad world, filled with evil. One day, the little, three-colored tyke realized that what he was doing was mean, and would cause the world to be bad… and filled with evil… Well, the point is, he stopped, and ended up joining the good forces of… Goodness… Well, right after beating the tar out of the leader of this Ragtag Group of Adventurers™, but that’s hardly the point.
Unbeknownst to Trevor, leader of the Ragtag Group of Adventurers™, but knownst to us, Alucard was actually his father, after having one of his many blonde flings, in a game where characters moved like ‘half-melted lego people’, and graphics took an amazing leap backwards.
That much aside, Ral-errr, Trevor, Grant, another Blonde, and Alucard continued through the lands of 8-Bit Transylvania, and successfully kept the world from being bad, and filled with evil.
The only help that Alucard could really provide was saving his allies from having to learn how to swim, setting frustration to an all-time high in centuries to come, as well as being able to poke an enemy from far distances with a fuzzy little diamond which kind of itches.
In the aftermath of killing his father, and wanting his mother, he realized that his powers sucked, and he should just probably sleep on thoughts of what to do with himself. Of course, he also didn’t want Trevor to get ahold of him after his taste for blondes, funkified afro, and crazy bedroom antics managed to land him a night with his friend’s wife to be, Sypha.
Fast-forward three hundred years, and he realizds that he got it with TWO blondes already, and discovers the power of modding your character stats, giving him the ability to prove the theory that strength is inversely proportional to muscle mass, and being extremely feminine helps out all the more. Two castles and 50 some odd level-ups later, he shacks up with the third blonde of his life, while redefining the boundaries of feminine males as sex icons, and isn’t seen until 2035, where he assumes the position of “Churchy McChurchums”, or Genya Arikado, and fiddles around with a blonde descendant of his adultering lover, Yoko.
So, we never really did get to what Alucard is really like, but that doesn’t mean we can’t dance badly to shitty music, while dressing darkly, as Alucard has taught us to do! And remember kids, any time a girl you like swoons over an adrogenous albino, just remember… It’s all his fault.
News Flash: As it stands, there is still debate over whether or not Alucard is actually the hero he claims to be, or if he used a stand-in (named Alfonso). More as it develops.