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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II, the Secret of the Vanilla Ice Album Tie-In
Well, one can never say that Hollywood lacks for bad ideas. I can just see the guys in the office of New Line Cinema creating this idea:
"Let's bring the Shredder back. I mean, he was great in the first movie, and it's not like we haven't brought bad guys back from the dead before. Hell, we make a living doing it with Jason and Freddy!"
I'm just glad TMNT 3 killed the series, otherwise I'm sure we would have seen TMNT vs. Freddy sooner or later. But as it is, we have this craptastic movie.
To be fair, this isn't the single worst kids movie I've ever seen. I think Neverending Story 2 takes that title. Hell, even 3 isn't that bad in comparison to NS2. And TMNT 2 does have some good things going for it. A couple of new bad guys, a newer, hotter April, and a fight/dance sequence featuring Vanilla Ice... okay, that last part isn't bonus.
The movie opens on the ninja teens fighting some bad guys in a shopping mall... actually, a pathetically small shopping mall that was practically all toy store and food court, but who am I to layout shopping malls. Anyway, so then meet Kino while at the mall. He delivers pizza by day... and by night... and he tries to be a ninja but fails and sounds really dumb making those little ninja noises you expect Power Rangers to make when they fight. I think stupid noises were a requirement of late 80's/early 90's children's ninja-fighting entertainment. But I digress.
Cut to TGRI, the company that made the ooze that made the Turtles. They are getting rid of all the mutagenic ooze, fearing what it could do in the wrong hands, i.e. the now back from the dead Shred dude... I swear I could have written this script, and it would have been better... of course it would have had a PG-13 rating at the bare minimum, and all the turtles would have sounded like they worked in a video store, but that's just me.
The Shredder gets the ooze, and a scientist, and then makes a snapping turtle mutant and a wolf mutant (or was it a german shephard... I don't care enough to look it up), Tokka and Razar. They turn out to be infantile but strong, and this leads to forced hilarity. The scientist is saved by the turtles and he in turn helps them to revert Tokka and Razar to pre-mutagenic form... But that's not the big finish. Oh no! First we have to Ninja Rap.
I don't know which part is worse. Seeing the Turtles dance to white-boy rap... or having to listen to white-boy rap. You make the call. There's the whole sequence where the Vanilla Ice Cream gets "inspired" and "writes" Ninja Rap on the spot, the Turtles dance, Shredder interupts, they fight, Shredder mutates into the Super Shredder, wherein he loses his cape and gets tons of extra spikes... explain to me how changing his DNA creates more spikes? Shredder dies again, and the turtles have yet another bonding moment with Splinter...
BTW, did I mention April is really hot in this movie... Okay, so in my version she'd have gotten naked at least once...
If you're bored, watch it... if not, go watch the first one. You know you own it anyway.
TMNT On Film - TMNT II Movie
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