John and Audra's Randomness - How Chris Got His Whip Back

The Importance Of Being Christopher
or, How Chris Got His Whip Back

(This story is dedicated to my gal Audra, the funniest person I know.)

"You like me, you really like me!"

Poor Christopher Belmont. He appears in what is generally regarded as possibly the worst Castlevania game ( Castlevania Adventure ), and thus doesn't get much credit in the big picture. But let us not forget how Chris beat Drac twice, and let us look at the kind of ribbing that Chris had to put up with in his stereotypical tenure as lamest Belmont!

It all started one day in the forest, when wee little Chris wanted to hang out with the big boys. (Ignore the fact that Chris, Simon and John lived in seperate time periods of 350 years.)

Chris: Hey, I wanna hang out with you guys!
Simon: This is embarrasing.
John: Yeah, take off Chris! You're too little.
Chris: C'mon guys, I got this cool new whip!
Simon: Yeah, that is kinda cool....how bought if I BORROW IT!?

Simon: Later Chris! HA-HA!
Chris: HEY! Get back here with my whip ya bastard! I'll bite your legs off!

Poor Chris! Now, Christopher was all alone in the forest, where scary monsters lurked! Mudmen, flea men, politicians... you name it!


Chris: WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

Ben: Chris... Chris...
Chris: Ben?
Ben: You will go to the Edgeoftheforest.
Chris: Edgeoftheforest?
Ben: There you will learn from Blob, a little mound of green jello who I bumped into once at a tupperware convention.


Chris: Bennn!...Terrific, he's gone. Who the hell is Blob?

Later that day, after a long and scary journey through the forest...

 

Chris: AAAAAAGHH!

An unarmed Chris arrives at the home of one Blob...

Chris: Um, sir...are you Blob?
Blob: Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Chris: Sir?
Blob: Zzzrrrrrrrrghmphgh.
Chris: HEY, JELLO MOUND!
Blob: AAAGGH! STAY OUT OF MY TRASH! ...Oh. Um. Hello. Uh..what can I do for you?
Chris: Ben Kenobi sent me.
Blob: Ben Kenobi? He that old guy from the tupperware convention?
Chris: I need your help! I'm unarmed and need to become a great vampire hunter!
Blob: And?
Chris: So, anything you do to help, would be, um... helpful...
Blob: Listen, sunny Jim, there's not a whole helluva lot I can do for you, but howzabout I give you this whip that two jackasses traded me today for a carton of cigarrettes and a Playboy and I send you on your merry way?

Chris: A whip?
Blob: Yes, here ya go. Now run along and have fun.


Chris: I GOT MY WHIP BACK!

Later, after a less scary trip through the forest...

John: Dude! What was all over that magazine!?
Simon: Um... Blob juice.

John: Anyhow, I...AGHHH! MY ASS! What are you doing, Chris?
Chris: I got my whip back now, ya dicks! Now take a hike, I'm the coolest vampire hunter around!
John And Simon: He's gone nuts! Let's run for it!

And so, the brave and noble Christopher Belmont lost his whip, was visited by the spirit of Obi-Wan Kenobi, trained under an equally noble Blob for a moment, regained the whip, and discovered that both Simon and John smoke and read Playboy... what the hell was that story all about? I really need to start sleeping more.