After three long months of exhaustive search, the police caught and jailed the infamous child molester Barney Focker, a.k.a. “Shaft” or “The Black Priest”.

Focker, an 85 years old man working as a trainee at the local Office Depot, was found guilty of kidnapping, children molestation and illegal possesion of firearms/drugs, which hasn’t been determined yet.

Though Focker claims to be innocent and says the children were the ones molesting him, one of the victims, Maria Renard, accepted to declare against him, and, in her own words, “see that old asshole rot in prison”.

Renard stated: “Yeah, I went to Office Depot to buy a nice sheet of paper, when this old man came over me. He was thin, pale and kinda short, wearing an ugly hood, a cape and a crimson, hmm, no, a fuchsia robe; though the most impressive thing about him was the huge, nasty boner he was sporting. Uhh, well, I’m certain it was just his knee under his clothes, but my lawyer says that if I say it was a boner, we can demand even more money from him”.

The 12 years old girl continued: “Yeah, I was like, ‘what’s this old man’s fucking problem?’ And yeah, it looked like if he were staring at my almost formed, pretty boobs, when he said all of a sudden, ‘I wanna shave your pussy’. I was like ‘what the fuck?!’”.

After almost 15 minutes discussing whether he’d shave Maria’s pussy or not, Shaft attacked her with an electrical shaver.

*Maria breaks into tears*

“Pl-please, can we ge-get on with this?”, the girl asked us. “I’ve go-got a fu-fucking lash in m-my eye. AWWW, it hurts!!!! Oh, shit...”

Evidence A: Maria's Shaved Pussy

After having shaved Maria’s pussy, the molester decided to take her to his apartment. Due to some problems Focker had had with the mortgage, they were ejected from the building and had to find another place to stay.

“Yeah, I was like ‘whoa!‘. We had to move to that cheap bunker near the mermen’s lair. Dude, I’ll never forget that foul smell of fish!”.

“Whatsoever, Shaft said he wanted me for some naughty photos. I was like “cool, it's gonna be some real hardcore action or maybe some sick, hot porn!"; but no, look at this shitty pics! I mean, I was like ‘what the fuck?’ again”, the girl said.

Evidence B: Maria's Naughty Photos

“Tell us, Maria, did Richter rescue you?”

“Hell no! It didn’t matter how loud I screamed, the idiot and my dumb sister passed by and ignored me”.

“You sister Annette, right? What were they doing when they passed by your prison?”

“Hell, I dunno. I’m her sister, not her fucking nanny! I think they were on a date or something”.

Renard continued: “I was like ‘oh no, I’ve been here for about half an hour‘, so I decided it was time to find a way to escape. I waited till Shaft fell asleep; then, I quietly approached him, slowly took his keys, tried to open the door, and... shit! It had been unlocked all the time, duh!”

While Focker was sleeping, two policemen entered the bunker and arrested him. Maria concludes: “I’m so glad he’s been arrested. I think that, hmm, well, I think that... oh shit, knock it off, I have nothing else to declare!”.

While “The Black Priest” has been captured, the FBI is afraid that Focker’s niece, the nun Tera Focker, a.k.a. “Mother Focker”, might be still on the loose.

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